Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
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deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Perfect
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Breakfast for Stoners:
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.