I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
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Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
why would tinder want me to say this
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”