Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it