My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
So the ex texted me
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.