Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“How’s your day going?”
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.