[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
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My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…