Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
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A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
#growingpains
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know