I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
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Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch