Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*