A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
You Might Also Like
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.