This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
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Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile