*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
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Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
new wife guy just dropped
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.