People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
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Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
A new level of troll.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history