They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
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[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!