Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.