hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
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A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light