Cutest fight ever.. 😊
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Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking