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How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Good morning, Twitter x
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it