Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
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Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
relationship goals
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”