So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
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I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
This could be us but you eatin’
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump