Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
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My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
😲 WTF? 😆
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers