Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
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As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.