I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Meeeee too!
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings