“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
You Might Also Like
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
good morning
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Fiction has to make sense.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.