Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
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so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled