BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
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[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
DOOO EEEET
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.