before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*