[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
You Might Also Like
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Miscakes
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
So that’s what we looked like?
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes