Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
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I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.