I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
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Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.