I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
✌🏽
Erm…
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.