ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
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My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew