i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
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all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!