*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
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WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
who did the taste test?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
A classic…
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.