[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
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I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I鈥檓 at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don鈥檛 want someone stealing all the stuff we鈥檝e been trying to get rid of for years.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Can鈥檛 believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 馃槶
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I鈥檓 giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them