If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
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Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
another case of gang violins
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*