he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
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[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Godspeed, John Glenn
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
They’re stuck in your pants?
Genius idea!!
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing