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ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Google Pay be like:
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.