The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
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If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what