why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
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I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
thank god the sign was there
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.