just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
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Happy Febuary everyone!
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works