Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
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[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!