A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
When can I start eating bats again.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Potatoes were such a good idea
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.