Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
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A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!