Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
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me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
This was the best day of my life
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.