Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
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Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.