I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
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Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not