*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
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Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Getting married soon just need a spouse
is this store having a stroke wtf
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix