A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.