{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
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Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
At least my masseuse has my back.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.